“I feel so tired and sleepy. I didn’t get enough sleep last night”.
I wonder.. Why am I here? I could have gone home instead and get enough rest and sleep for the next day’s work.
Is it not unfair that I sit here in silence while waiting for others to arrive? Why can’t my friend make it to today’s practice?How can people say “no” very easily while I always have a hard time saying no to anything? Why do I always find myself in a situation, where I am always at the front line and constantly being fired upon?
Sometimes I wonder if it’s better to have no commitment at all, no responsibility, no one to please except myself, no caring and no heartache.
If I look back at my past experiences, all those things that I’ve been through in joining groups, dealing with people, making close friends, including some negative experiences that are painful to deal with and can lower your self-esteem, the only thing I can do is cry. I keep it all to myself.
I look at myself right now and I look back at those times and how I started to get involved in activities that have led me to where I am today, I see a picture full of laughter and tears, happiness and grief, love and anger, longing and fear.
I think it all started after I observed a change in my Kuya’s (elder brother) behaviour after joining a catechist group in our church. He was happy and smiling all the time and made lots of friends pretty quickly. I felt in my heart the longing to experience all the things my brother is experiencing. I liked my brother a lot and I admired him but I never thought of following in his footsteps. But after that experience I became his little shadow, everywhere he went I was there trailing behind. Many times I felt my Kuya was getting fed up and I was becoming a nuisance and a burden to be around.
Once he was invited to train to become an altar boy/sacristan, my parents made me go with him without seeking my brother’s approval beforehand. In the end he was left with no choice but to bring me along with two other friends. I was really excited to become an altar boy! But I wasn’t ready for the exams that we were required to pass to become “certified”. Each wrong answer during the practical exams means I get a slap on the back of my neck. Out of 30 I had 29 questions done and also received 29 strikes on the back of my neck. I felt hopeless and felt like running away, I thought there’s no chance I will be a sacristan. But instead I put on a brave face, held back my tears and waited for my one last question. “What do you call this (pointing to one object)?”, my trainer has already lost his hope in me. My vision was blurry with tears, I was so scared that I might say the wrong answer. “That’s a bowl”,I said. He didn’t react for a while, then he smiled half-heartedly because it was the correct answer. I could not control my tears any further and and they rolled like Niagara falls down my cheeks. They were tears of hope and happiness knowing that I have 1 in 30 percent chance to be accepted in the group.
After that episode in my life I began to feel that I didn’t want to be a shadow of my Kuya anymore that maybe there is hope for me down this road. My motivation was my absolute 1 in 30 percent chance of making it on my own! Carrying that ray of light with me I decided to find my own personal journey, discover ways to grow and see my own journey take shape.
I started actively participating in school programs like Boy Scouting, varsity sports, Red Cross. I joined all kinds of events and competitions which enabled me to explore my horizons and to find out how far I can go.
I got more serious in my extracurricular activities during my high school. I was actively involved in a religious organization of my choice and was always participating in their youth activities. Becoming part of the CAT (Cadet Army Training) was one of the best.My training has given me the confidence to succeed beyond just military life. I felt this unexpected confidence deep inside, in my abilities and in my powers to make a successful career out of what I studied. I am reminded of one worst and best and most unforgettable experienceI had in the army training - being forced to run in the forest wearing only one piece – my combat boots.
I was lucky to have been able to experience being in an all male Catholic high school. It has prepared me in a different way and sets me on the way to the destiny God has prepared for me.Although I never got any scholastic award, I was prepared to become a stronger person with bigger dreams, to be a leader, to be a friend, to be a companion to others, and a follower of God who was called to live in a relationship of love with God.
My shyness gradually faded, I felt more comfortable during my days in the university. I remember joining a socio-civic group where I experienced another once in a lifetime unforgettable initiation rites. Most of all I was blessed with the opportunity to serve my school when I was awarded a working student grant. I had a lot ofincredible people surrounding me then and having the chance to interact with professors and peers on a one to one basis has helped me to develop personally and mature as a person. I learned a lot about myself, learned a lot of skills to improve myself, gain knowledge and was able to share it to others.
I also have a musical life. I’ve been singing in choirs for more than nine years now. To begin with my voice was never great, it had a weak tone and my singing range was poor. Singing bass I had a bad tendency to miss pitches and was really weak down by the bottom of bass notes. This was years ago, but with constant practice my voice has now improved a lot. The feeling being a part of a musical ensemble contributing to an event is a very inspiring experience for me each time.
I’ve been involved with a number of different groups over the past few years. As of now I’m actively participating in CFC-Singles for Christ here in New Zealand.
If I will look back again and see where I stand and how much I have travelled in my journey through life, I can probably say that I’m a bit beyond halfway through now.
There’s still a lot to do, I believe that life is a continues process. Never stop learning, never stop changing and growing in your life. Always try to achieve your full potential and enjoy the things that you deserve. Dedicate your life to self-improvement and continuous learning in every way possible. Everyday do some improvement, see what you could be doing better about yourself and how you relate to others.
I was staring into space and was in deep thoughts when I heard footsteps behind me. It was our choir master heading towards the altar. He felt along the wall by the door for the light switch and turned it on. It lit up the choir stand.
We began our choir practice with our choir master distributing a new music piece to learn.
We started singing the song when the lyrics struck me straight through my heart. I felt like crying and tears brimmed in my eyes. It was a very powerful and meaningful song.
“Will you come and follow me If I but call your name?
Will you go where you don’t know And never be the same?
Will you let my love be shown, Will you let my name be known,
Will you let my life be grown In you and you in me?”
Just a while ago I was questioning my coming to choir practice when my body felt like resting for my tiredness at home. In one overwhelming moment God answered my every question. God summoned me to be here.
I understand now that sometimes God summons us to be in different situations because He wants to develop us and teach us what we need to know and is training us to be stronger. He wants us to experience with him the kind of life he wants to give us. He summons us to answer our questions and to welcome us home.
Maybe now I should ignore my tiredness and instead think about ways to share this experience.I should prepare to encourage people to keep on serving God, to plant a seed in others and help them know and experience God’s love. I am about 55 percent through my journey and I keep on counting. If I tell you how knowing Him have brought joy to my life would you not want to experience God as I do and see how far away you can reach if you walk with him?
God’s dealing with us mankind seems to be summoning us to look at the bigger picture.Great things will happen according to God’s time and will go according to God’s plans for you. Today He prompted me again to reflect and to try to see things in a different light. God is telling me not to worry but to continue to serve to the best of my ability even when things may seem bad. He wants me to succeed in my current struggles, to learn from those experience, and be ready to respond to his next calling whether it be big or small.
When God summons you, will you answer?
Thank you for reading my story. May you feel God summons to you, in your life, so you may see His goodness, his love, His mercy and grace, His purpose for your life and his plans for you being accomplished.
I hope to catch you here again soon.
PS:
Below is the whole lyrics of the music that promptedme to write this story. I too felt a sudden urge to make a video of the song (God Summon Video). It may be a little bit disturbing and I may sound like a walrus in heat but I hope the words of the song makes you forget all that. Please bear with me and thank you for letting me share it with you.
The Summons
by John Bell
Will you come and follow me
If I but call your name?
Will you go where you don’t know
And never be the same?
Will you let my love be shown,
Will you let my name be known,
Will you let my life be grown
In you and you in me?
Will you leave yourself behind
If I but call your name?
Will you care for cruel and kind,
And never be the same?
Will you risk the hostile stare
Should you life attract of scare?
Will you let me answer pray’r
In you and you in me?
Will you let the blinded see
If I but call your name?
Will you set the pris’ners free
And never be the same?
Will you kiss the leper clean,
And do such as this unseen,
And admit to what I mean
In you and you in me?
Will you love the ‘you’ you hide
If I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside
And never be the same?
Will you use the faith you’ve found
To re-shape the world around,
Through my sight and touch and sound
In you and you in me?
Lord, your summons echoes true
When you but call my name.
Let me turn and follow you
And never be the same.
In your company I’ll go
Where your love and footsteps show.
Thus I’ll move and live and grow
In you and you in me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WW8m1WpzmuI
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